It has come to my attention that it is probably time for me to clarify some things.
That clarification is a way of wrestling with past experiences that were never fully resolved nor have come to a foregone conclusion. Conclusions only come when the topic of conversation is no longer viable or discussed. Even then there are always open-ended answers as life progressed and sometimes things go unanswered or unnoticed.
I’ve been noticed.
It has been expected in the past that an artist need not use their words so clearly to define themselves nor their art. A picture speaks a thousand words they say. The same is very much so for any human being in this world. We do not have to say anything and we still exist just as much as those who chose to use what words they had available to them. We work with what we have and what we know as we branch off into the areas that we find of interest to us to continually build our identity until it is ultimately defined by others and either remembered or forgotten. Always remember that one day you will not have a voice to defend. Actions can be illusions or met with pretenses that cannot be fully explained unless asked for clarification. Eventually there will be no clarification to give and then left with a focus back on self and our internal thoughts that we live with each and every day as we shift from ourselves to others back to ourselves again. Selfishness and understanding are two equal things that go hand-in-hand and it is never a fault to understand that there are many aspects of the human existence that can not be described as anything other than true to self and a constant battle of what is right or wrong in that discovery.
As the world has progressed into where we are now, more and more is expected for less than what came before. We are expected to give our all and settle for the fact that we will never have ownership of something and that even what little things we do have can be so easily taken away when the right people want something. So much has been taken and given that it is hard to wrap that thought anywhere else than a soul is on the line. A soul is broken, groomed and nurtured every day. Broken by experience as much as it is left to thrive on others. I hold my own hand listening to my own heartbeat. I am aware of my dual presence wondering if both are still there at this point. Heaven is there in some areas. Dreams in others. My dreams and others made or broken every day by the way we present ourselves and the way others perceive us. Those same dreams affected by the things people can and cannot get away with in relationship to their own. A wish not there at the moment as I’ve been put into a position of not being able to do so. Even on my birthday I knew not what to wish for knowing what has happened and unsure of how to even begin to be of a place to ask for anything other than life and continuing on until I or others do right towards what has happened.
It should be known that we do not have explain to others. We should not have to do that. Those that do probably do it because that is how an identity is formed through constant forms of communication of self and interaction of others. Those that don’t are probably equally guarded and find that internal council is probably the best way to approach what is viewed in the surroundings that we are placed in. It is expected that we will definitely be defined or ignored by others just as much as others will bring us in as a guest to their life and them a guest into ours.
I ask you to please remember that your soul will always rest with you in every situation.
In all the infinite possibilities in the world, you are going to find the existence of a soulmate comes from a series of past experiences combined with the present to predict a future. The soul touches everyone you interact with and reaches deeper in those you have more personal relationships with either in friendship, companionship or eventually partnership in whichever form that may be either in business or personal affairs. Our identity is an internal one in form, existential in the other. Look at yourself in the mirror and how you choose to see yourself. How you perceive yourself is not always going to be the same as someone else’s views in proximity of your surroundings. That is going to happen silently or very much with a vocal presence behind it. We should all choose our words wisely before speaking and to use words in relationship to self and others are two completely different factors to exam before anything external is released. Our words can sing or sting depending on the intention behind it. Our thoughts are equal in challenge to what should and should not be said. To understand that is to begin to deconstruct the notion of answering the question, “Who are U?” That is a lifelong question that changes just as much as a playlist of select songs to define who you connect with through the words of others.
There are secrets in song. There are secrets in curation. We all have secrets we wish to keep or share with select few. In life or in artistry, there is beauty in the cryptic nature of things and there is beauty to lead with a codex of understanding to translate intention but to never fully define. Interpretation is important and sometimes intention can lead to different directions than anticipated. Dialogue important and as I’ve been put into a place where definition is important I find it also important to lay the roadwork of understanding that once one thing is discovered that there is probably another 2-3 things elsewhere. I am sure that is the same with you. I am sure that is there with everyone. When you start to pay attention to what you represent, you realize the things you do and do not present to paint a picture. Out of all the colors in the world, I invite you to paint by candlelight and let instinct decide the tone vs. what the eye does in full light. You look at things differently when you start to remove variables and get to the point. To analyze art is to look at it but also look at the artist and their life. As art has evolved the value of it has changed on how it is presented and how it is to be either revered or reviled, but the connections are always going to be there that you have to understand the artist’s life and mood if you are to understand maybe what they are trying to say. Perhaps that is the same of our neighbor or the person you see across the way. Speak or not, there are always moments to be shared.
Perhaps that has been the case for years and we are forgetting how to communicate. But then again, one must wonder why there is a need to clarify and justify existence when simply we are all trying to exist one way or another. It is a big little world and in the end we are not owed an explanation as it is something that cannot be taken but only given.
I have many stories to tell. Many stories I’ve tried to collect and write down. Some of those stories come from a place of hurt. Others from trying to understand. Sometimes it has been a place of processing and in others a place of direction of thought. I write. Not perfectly but in a vernacular that is only fully explained probably audibly if misconstrued here.
In one instance, there is a story of a hat and a bat to be told.
I will try my best to write it in a manner that is simplistic but serious in nature. It helps to ease the tension behind it and at least gives me a chance to save words before they fan out into the areas needed to ripple in the wake in order to bring calmness back into the waters. Stillness never lasts for long and there is always a symphony of movements before something comes crashing in to turn the dance into a jazz session that needs to adjust to a new sound evoked into the ballroom setting. I figured remedial is necessary to flesh out later but found it important to go simplistic as I have gone to at times the last 3 years to get me into a place of expansion at a later time. That is what happens when your process at a speed not common, but natural when in areas of elevated stress and emotional output.
A bat swung as I sat.
Listening while you chat.
Headphones on yet still I hear.
How many times I have listened; listened in fear.
There is a way where things were at.
Me sitting at my desk while you standing with your bat.
Fear in sight as a paper held tight.
He’s holding that piece of paper with all his might. (Paraphrased)
Threats to me.
Threats from you.
Threats of old school tactics of showing up at homes too soon.
Uninvited with talks of harm.
Open office setting as if in a barn.
Open doors. Open ears.
Open mind explored to prove what sound can do.
Modular settings of no sound.
Proof.
Can hear everything from ceiling to roof.
Internally white. Fully of fright.
Reported after just as right.
Show up at work or call the cops?
Told If not directly to me nothing to do,
In hindsight I so wanted to sue.
Wanted to live. Wanted to thrive.
Instead every day I created a dive.
Pleaded every way I could to stop,
Here. There. Directly. Indirect.
Put up or shut up.
Every day something new in the shop.
They moved you before the next day went,
Conversations had that strayed the course bent.
Spoke to my employer and notified contract,
I did my best to respect our contact.
You did your best to impede on given rights
Knowing you created something that protected others
“He thinks he is doing the right thing” on the last day said
No question of phone calls recorded and acted in best
As I fought to stop, they acted in jest.
Work from home an offer indirectly made prior as reaction to real time occured,
Background searches and conjectures are the things that stayed.
Focused. Driven. Strive for structure, stability and identity in a place once grown from
Knowing that I’ve changed in the 3 years away and unwilling to just jump back into the person I was before.
“Can’t just trump up charges” was heard.
Most of the time I sat there without saying a word.
Took it they’d say until enough was enough.
Stood up and said respect that this is rough.
Multiple ways into my social book.
Repetition of my words without giving a second look.
“Too deep” I said and they knew what they did.
Words etched inside that I know not how to get rid.
So much more of the keystrokes made,
For what?
Someone got paid.
The strength required to step foot in on the floor
Matched greatly my need to just walk out the door.
Stuck to work because bills to be paid.
Then. There. Now. My life is in raid.
Reported. Recorded. Reminded.
Who recorded who when trying to reach to you?
That devil’s advocate a chance to say,
I gave you the opportunity for you to respect.
Affecting my mental health of obvious detect.
Asked to move but was denied
I think back now knowing all the times you heard me cry.
Crying. Screaming. Explaining.
Silence is the answer.
Awareness of not knowing what to do.
Stronger than most for doing what’s right
Stood in silence with all of my might.
My day of my birthday headphones on
Screaming, Blasting, Blocking. Ears of wax to the outside world as things heard were not invited in.
Drown out. Drown in. Drowning.
Aware of what was coming.
Aware of what was planned.
Reprieved in a birthday night gifted.
Speak. Spoke. Spoken.
A resignation written the night of my birthday.
Purposely read over the phone to showcase if the phone calls were true.
You heard me. I know what you put us through.
Walked in the next day and that was all on you.
Heard what I heard and blame was placed.
Printed out my resignation. Stood up. Gave myself a gift.
Asked for my privacy back.
Walked out the door by guided hands.
Never quit a job before but I know you understand.
Hostile work? Hostile Talk? Judgement. Smells. Mannerisms.
Deodorant. “She’s a bitch”
Comment here. Comment there. Should we tell or should we smell?
Wonder why I walked on paths of grey?
I put up with bull-shit every day.
A smoke to give myself a chance.
A path timed. 7 minutes here and then right back into it.
Back into it what shouldn’t have been the case.
Back into what others put up with in this rat race.
Walked out tall; absolved of all things.
The truth in my words as I continue to figure out how freedom rings.
I rested my case for the day on that matter.
The rest of the day ended with the mind in a clatter.
Broken then. Broken after. Broke. Brought.
Fought. Fight. Survive. Thrive.
People noticed when I was starting to dive.
Deep. Deeper. Thoughts of fear. Thoughts of perplexity.
Birthday ruined. Christmas ruined. Life ruined.
Temporary? 3 years now? Longer. Faster now. Harder.
I’ll leave it there for now knowing my story is not done.
To talk about the rest of my final day of contract work is to talk about needing to sleep and then trying to drive to Macon. Foggy along the way, I had to be driven to my hometown as I just slept in the backseat. Beaten and tired. Weather worn and spent. Even the next day I tried to report and do what needed to be done. Other days here. Other days there. Leaving out so much for right now. Reported and still unresolved and unspoken to.
During that time of new Atlanta employment even if it was not permanent, it was one week into my new apartment that things went down to a crashing keyboard. Took so long to have a job. 6 months post bridal world. 3-4 months of being at the grace of others close to me to get myself back on my feed. To go that long and to try to start photography and work again in a safe place is to describe in detail what it is to accept humility and to return to a city where dreams made and broken and returned with the broken dreams of thousands on my back. Never my responsibility, but carried it nevertheless. That is what that world means to people and that is what that dream meant to me. Lifetime of imagining finding love and commitment. A lifetime of building something or building towards something. What do I have left to build towards now? There was talks in the office of February they had him and then of apps that were in contention earlier and brought up again. Scheduled? Planned? Who had who in the end? Surely my privately own computer became a point of contention later on at other places of employment. Was that an issue before? That hard drive definitely stolen at this point.
I’ve questioned why I’ve been held back from the truth all this time now. Concessions of this is the way it is? Concessions of what I have? Concessions of what I represent? Who I am and who I can be is always up in the air, but when forced to talk about who I am is to draw questions of how long the phone thing has been going on. It brings up issues of the computer and desktop and website and you don’t think I won’t act, test, try, prod, provoke or see things to the end. I know the cost given by me to prove that this has been an on-going thing as much as I am very well aware of the power of perception. Question when someone has been exposed to this for so long on what they do and do not do and when they know things will come up later and when things will be disregarded. Awareness comes in time. Instinct abound that I am trying to live and held back from doing anything what is right to protect others and maybe if I am lucky protect myself from what I have already established to be inevitably at the grace of other’s perception anyways at this point. I’ve written for so long at this point that if I am writing now it is probably because this has become an escalated issue that has consequences that go beyond my own existence at this point. Imagine watching your entire life ripped apart and taken away one piece at a time until those that didn’t know start to understand what has happened and who controlled a narrative.
The baseball bat incident was one of many things in contention. But was a real threat of workplace violence while other were tolerable but unacceptable comments made about myself and other contract employees. Threats and comments made every day leading up to my birthday. Can you imagine how hard it was on both sides of the office as everything was ripped apart but that is what happens when people escalate things to drive different narratives. Story driven one way, truth another. I’ve remained silent in some areas, protected in others. As things evolve and things grow I question at this point many points of contacts and intentions and what is and is not threatened at this point. I listened as things were being twisted. I’ve listened as things have escalated. I’ve tried. I’m calm. I’m angry. Angry that I’ve tried to do things through the proper channels. Faith tested. Faith inside. I understand I am going to be the forfeit. I understand why I self-published my entire essence of trying to bring myself back from my experience and even wrapped my heaven into it because of known tactics. Who knew that even that was still stolen and challenged? This is a battle of heaven and this is a battle of justice just as much as it is a battle of what can and cannot be done anymore or ever again by those with the means to do what they have done. My virtual presences violated repeatedly which led to the deletion of my former grown digital presence in whatever capacity I had built over the years. Connections that cannot be replaced gone. Timelines preserved yet still a new me is here well aware of former selves and why they either died or went to the wayside. Others hands are red in hindsight and I am trying to ensure safety and protection of others over myself knowing that I’ve tried every way possible to understand the cards dealt and rebuild after rebuild. I rarely talk on the phone now and proof that computers are an interesting invention of what else could be done. Home invasions. Conversations around me. Deals always to be made. Never a part of those conversations, but very well aware of what is heard and has been heard.
I’ll never forget phone calls recorded or walking in the day after my birthday with you already knowing what I wrote and read to other parties the night before outside of the office. It was a temporary job with long term repercussions. 6 months without a job prior. Never a chance of official hire when told no on-boarding available and then they on-board people anyways. Terms agreed to strictly no photography and then that used as well and placed on all their packaging and displays. I believe I own those packaging rights now as I’ve seen assets from that company displaced into other areas. You have tried to hide your sin and I understand those involved in that process. I understand that sins of the company I worked for and the escalation of unwarranted parent parties in post-poned unemployment meetings. Do you know what I had to do just to get on that first phone call and tell the truth?! Do you understand the repercussions of your actions yet? I respected I was in a new environment and that hesitation was had based on past experiences. Never wanted anyone’s job there, just was thankful I had something to help me get back on my feet. Was thankful for working with people but at the same time new positions were held all around.
I caught things here. Tested things out there. I did my due diligence to make sure what happened occurred. It took going to another entirely different company to even get more validation of what happened when things came coming back into the picture. That is entirely different story and compounded interest involved in that. Why in the hell did things travel from one place to another?! I am well aware of the parties involved in that. Some of them at least spoken out loud. Entrapment with beer not taken in-between during mary times outside the office after I resigned from the contract position. Internal investigations. Over-kill and events leading towards personal harm afterwards. Harm that still occurs today. Fear and anxiety knowing invasion occurred. Invasion happened. Invasion continues. Look at where we are at now and you banked on my death now twice. Thrice? How many times and for what? What causes have been picked up at the forfeit of human dignity and respect? How many other people’s lives have been ruined or pushed in one direction or the other because of narrative or conjecture? How long has this been going on is beside the point of even wanting to know why? I’ve seen death and that too needs to be explained at some point when even then doing the right thing of running as fast as I can and reporting it.
I pretend every day that what has happened in my life has not affected me so. Perhaps as I talk internally about how can I thrive each day. Sometimes I drink. Sometimes I smoke a cigarette. Both pretty under control and both things I ascertain to either remove or lessen in my life. How does one doing that with the weight of so much on the world and have asked every which way to fix this or tell me or help me or let me move on with my life. I am aware people have seen things they had no business seeing. Who’s fault is that? Internally I get told I cannot do this to people. I question, what have I done but try to do the right thing. Try to live a good life. Try to make up for mistakes and try to always welcome forgiveness, understanding and respect.
The echo remains inside. Threats to me. Threats to them. Threats to everything. All made. All heard. That daily encounter happened at 2 places and it got to the point that there was a scream made in so many different directions. All of this is not even going into details at the other company in question because to do so is to write another book or maybe give testimony or anything to say what should and should not happen in the workplace or in life. I was not approached and left judged and executed and then excavated. I am sure intentions were pure but the damage still haunts years later. If only they asked someone they didn’t know about it. I wonder what you thought when you heard phone calls…especially the ones asking for help and needing it. Truths of the day as every way managed to try to attack me through my art, through my words, though unpublished works and stolen copyrighted blogs and books. Published what I could for protection of others and definitely from the protection of known tactics of hold things away from a publisher until resolved. I solely own something of great value. I own many things of great value. To kill me or force me to suicide is to lock things up for almost a century due to it’s personal nature or there could be a conversation and conviction in words and feelings towards an understanding. I trust you understand what gets locked up in that scenario just as much as I am aware of what has already been acted on. That on-boarding process nearly killed me. I am sure in laymen and laywomen’s terms they understand that. That elimination process defrauded and damaged just as much as the process before and the process before that. I could have been homeless if not for family and friends. I almost died protected people in silence. I die a bit with my words much more clearer than you will find in any book stolen, written or even non-digital. They played roulette there. They are playing the roulette now. Do I need to be the forfeit? Is my life not worth it when it means so many others I protect? I had a dream but perhaps this reality is more important than that to fight for seeing that things become balanced on what is to come moving forward. My identity gone. A cloud of mist where I see things at times and see nothing at all as to what is to come. I just know that in my daily life I strive to hang on for U. I strive to make it somehow. I strive to not let dreams go in vain knowing all I can really do is be at the graces of others as I watch things ripped apart to may or may not being rebuilt. Imagine being judged the way I have been and understand that can happen to anyone when put within the range of sight. Perhaps that is why I focus on imperfection so much. We are imperfect, yet strive to be something and go somewhere. We are either a part of something or not. Nothing wrong with solitude. I’ve spent a great deal of time alone. I’ve spent times with others. I’d like to think that there is middle ground to be had as pendulum’s swing from one side to the other before coming back to rest.
Back to the hat in question though because that is where this short story is focused on. It is Freudian in thought, but the hat is proof that when an employee who is not in marketing makes a brand decision that they should probably understand the brand that they appropriated beforehand and the repercussions of what that hat represented to women, minorities and those who you would have never known to be a part of the LGBTQIA+ community. You really have to understand what something represents regardless of execution and be understanding that others are able to twist that and work with it, just as much as I expect a writer to correct my grammar on this opt-ed. I’ve been a very small team or a team of 1. I get that you can only do so much on that. I get that you can only do so much on a budget. I’ve built a brand on dreams and acceptance while tackling things that I hope help in other areas. You should understand appropriation of a brand just as much as you should understand an official statement made as contractors and cliental were visiting for test of products as you wore a hat publicly with official company clothing on.(not I that I am talking about) I did not create that hat, I was gifted one and it was used for a photoshoot after my suicide attempt to reflect on what happened in a fine art capacity. Who was responsible for actions and which companies failed to protect employees and the greater good. I was never told when I asked about what prompted my 1 sick day to spark a chain of events that devastated me and continued to do so. I blame that person in particular as a group or singularly. Surprise…they didn’t fire me but noticed what I noticed when directed in that direction.
As I recall the statements of employees saying “I know what he is gonna say…hostile work environment” “Recording keystrokes”, “The mouse needs to go” They can clarify those quotes; their words. Not mine. So many things documented and recorded. I went everywhere I could for help. Was it on deaf ears? It wasn’t deaf ears when a transcript of a lawyer’s phone-call on my birthday was transcribed and dissected immediately after returning from lunch and had off-site in an official capacity. Can you imagine the psychological damage that occurred then only to find out it happen again at another place of business and then again into every crevice of technology?
The hat to some at the time became an invasion of dignity as it came to its meaning at the time and what it could represent and what has been adopted to. There were red hats before and there will be red apparel afterwards. Red is everywhere just as much as blue, purple, green, yellow, brown and any other color in the visible spectrum. You cannot just trademark a red hat and you surely can’t do it after the fact at the time of a picture taken or from pre-emptive measures after damage inflicted. You cannot trademark a red hat when so many companies use the color red as their primary color. You cannot trademark a red hat that when you flip it over can represent so many other different things. Trying to trademark a red hat is like trying to trademark a non-branded grey t-shirt. What I know of a red hat at the time in regards to politics was the rhetoric behind it. Those “sons of bitches” comments collect that there is a time for talking to a base and there is a time when you are the leader of the United States of America representing everyone. Some saw negatives in great numbers that was permissible to be used because it came from the voice of power. Others saw positives and used it as permission to showcase pride and strength. Passes were given and conversations were met with yelling at each other instead. Dismissal from either side based on beliefs. You cannot claim copyright on fine art photography and the likeness of any US president is in public domain.
I imagine being president comes with great responsibility and choices are needed to be made all the time. There is a team that builds a narrative and there is capital on either side of the coin on what is and is not best for the country. There is no winner takes all for everyone. Rhetoric created did inspire some people to action both positively and negatively according to their beliefs. The repercussions of those actions the last time led towards people storming the capital just as much as people gathering in the streets in protest. In other times it was coming together for peace or forced to go to Vietnam. Generations forced to fight while other generations forced to struggle. Great Depressions. Great Recessions. 9/11. Pearl Harbor. Xenophobic actions that affected so many minorities and people that even this day are still being wrestled to overcome and resolve. Is there resolve? Is there compromise until equality? Is equality even a thing to strive for or are we forever going to hold onto past mistakes until major change occurs? That change is not going to happen over-night. It is not going to happen in a week, or a year or a generation. It is going to occur by taking it one day at a time and realizing we have been trained one way when we can be pushed another understanding that there is to be fear as well as hope that we can be better towards one another. That is going to take time and it is going to take getting to know others when and if they want to be known or not. Is it possible to try to look at each other as brother and sister instead of noticing our differences and discounting each other for the way we look or are born vs. how we are ourselves? It is impossible to erase all of prejudice, but there needs to be an understanding of stereotypes and that there is commonality to be found in each of our differences once we get to know each other and strive to build each other up instead of breaking each other down. Each generation, families have become divided over politics and beliefs. They are divided and strengthened by generational gaps. We are evolving just as fast as technology is allowing us all to have an individual voice as well as become part of bigger conversations that bring unity or divide. The past several years in particular name-calling and news-worthy one liners were a new brand of tactics in politics that have invaded the social media scene. Somehow it became perfectly acceptable to destroy someone by name-calling, body-shaming, heritage shaming, attacking of family members, attacking of human respect while locker room talk becomes acceptable forms of either got you news or maybe a lesson in watch what you say. Always have to question intention there and I understand I’m probably right there with everyone else on given the right place and time that the wrong thing was said purposefully or out of ignorance. Is this childish behavior what to become of politics and society? Is that something that has been taught since grade school and now certified acceptable by the highest of positions? Shaming and humiliation while not working together is not going to be a solution. Neither is resorting to tactics that inhibit legislation or conversation from occurring. Is that what life is going to be now? Differentiate each one of us and for what purpose? Hard lines in the sand were drawn then and harder lines in the sand when you find out the words of invitation had in debates and conversation on what is and is not allowed for gain/loss. You can go high or you can go low. Always people out there that will do both depending on the situation. I always try to go by rule of law, but question if those very laws have been upheld in certain scenarios. Why demonize each other when both values could be respected for what is considered the greater good of compromise. To not have that dialogue is where I am at this day. Those conversations may never happened and things were acted on with the intention of me not being around. Maybe for the better? Maybe for the worse? It grooms me I guess to sit and try to process what has happened thinking about what will happen even in my attempt to try to make it one day a time look and feel. Am I prepared to be prepared for truths I may or may not have realized at this point? Do I have a purpose greater than what I’ve already started? Teamwork makes the dream work, but the dream can change tomorrow. Tomorrow is that thing we are not gifted. All we have is today and yesterday. Dreams are hard to come by at the moment with undo resolve still needed to occur. I pray in thought that I made the right decision knowing that I have to come to terms with the consequence of standing up for everyone in this scenario.
Why divide when made in positions to unite? A base of thought has occurred that has led to singular notions of xenophobia and anger loom in the air while others called to patriotism and values against that. We are a country of immigrants. We are a country of many. We have come to this point based on the backs of others and until injustice is resolved or stopped; it will continue to be that way. It is happening at a faster rate with my generation than it was the generation before and the generation after. Neither just blue nor red as there are more than those colors, I stand by beliefs of the constitution and pick and choose where things align based on my beliefs of greater common good and dignity and respect for each other. Dignity should be afforded for those of lesser means to fend for themselves and at the grace and protection of the United States of America and the International community. Isolation is going to lead to abandonment and it is better to be a part of the global community than it is to try to fight it. To try to understand other cultures is to try to approach it from a place of humility with the understanding that commonality can still be met while appreciating differences. It is those differences that we can learn just as much as we can find respect for one another.
Back to the hat. I get the idea of the hat. I get that then. I get it now. Color theory is a friend to me and the color red is a color of many meanings. It is not just of politics. Not just from one voice. It holds many meanings to it.
Red is the color of passion, courage, power or will and desire. It can mean danger in some areas and energy and call to action in others. There is no sole ownership of a red hat. Red is of many colorful meanings and not just of one particular thing. It is even a color within the rainbow and should be understood that as a member of the LGBTQIA+ community and as a human being, I welcome and accept all aspects of the rainbow that comes from a place of unity while respectful of differences. There are many things to be passionate about. Hate speech should not be one of them. Abuse of power of any kind should not be tolerated and what occurred to me came from a place of great financial gain for others by the privilege of technology and resources not at my disposal.
The words written on this hat was someone else who appropriated a brand. I used it to create a PG-13 of a Rated R while also commenting on my life experience that has never really been divulged out of both fear and because I tried every way possible to prevent what happened and what I was never fixed from what occurred now 3 years later. People sat and watched it occur then. People sat and enjoyed what has been going on the last several months. Has it even really stopped? I tried so many ways to break the walls on how to speak and express what can be said and what led to my suicide attempt back then and to prevent it from happening to other people. How many years has this really been going on? As I become transformative in my works, I am respectful of the base of things realizing there are many points of references and personalization that occur and I have much to learn and to offer. I can go deeper into the image if need be, but the points of reference are there for study as it is in any of my works. Not all of my works are on my website, but I am very much comfortable talking about a sitt
I understand people got away with things. Corporations got away with things. Financial and political. The emotional stress experienced is nothing to the real world application of incident after incident that has occurred. As much as there was wrong done, I believe that others are right there to protect just as much as there are those trying to spin things in new directions with me the forfeit. My life has been stolen. Dreams in the air. Dreams to come still that perhaps, as I reached out, that maybe someone heard. I did not come up with the tag-line “Make Abrasives Great Again”. That was a business decision made by a member of a company. Perhaps it has taken me “Being Abrasive” to understand that there is a time to sit and take it every day and there is a time to stand up and say enough…this was wrong…you created this situation and then the one person who single-handedly was trying to save companies and people is the one attacked and forced in directions that I have been through before and do not want to go through again because I have already been through that. My resolute is strong. Protectionism is there. I know some of the things taken and from where.
If this was resolved months ago or years ago; I was never let known about it. As I collect my $666 each 2 weeks trying to build myself back up from the ashes, I find that it is quite difficult to see my work and life taken and stolen and probably never to be retrieved again. Little by little forward, eventually I am sure everything is going to be up for grabs because of people with more means than I as I have been driven down to ZERO. I am thankful to still be here and I am thankful that I’ve seen things play out many ways and know that there are ways to remove fear and anxiety from the situation.
November 2nd, 2018 I left a contract position and expected my employer to protect me and they did not. They involved their parents as other parents were brought in until it got to the point where we are now. You should have protected your employees and you should have listened to them when real threats were made. Maybe what happened was on-going prior, but when brought into the very real world, that is a time stamp of events that needed to be addressed then and rectified with me before you went into total destruction of someone’s life and by default the lives of everyone around me. Is that the way things work? Is that how you treat shareholders?
This hat is a reminder of that gift given then. It reminds me of the horrors of workplace scenarios and the aftermath of the war on so much that was considered collateral damage. I am sure in conversation then or now I would have been fair. Has it been fair now? I am aware this images spark debate, but it is the message and meaning behind them that have been or could be twisted one way or another to express horrors that never should have occurred.
There is politics and then there is corruption that affects everyone or anyone. This is not a political discussion as I honestly am pretty much a beacon towards trying to find what is right, especially at the benefit of education of what the world can be on either side of the coin. This is a conversation about life and what is right or wrong on how we treat one another in private, in public and in the workplace. We grow by talking. We grow by expression under the pretense of do no harm but by making a stance. It is not done by just taking and doing whatever you please. Context is everything and intention is to be evaluated. To judge someone is to understand intention and emotion and factors always should be taken into consideration. How do we move forward together? How do we pick each other up?
I am a believer that no one is perfect and things should be weighed out accordingly. Morality is in my pores, although not always the best in execution. Where I’ve come from is not necessary where I am or where I am going. I’ve protected so much and could only explain what is asked of me if required. Privacy is important, just as much as the things we do in the got-you and catfish scenarios. You have to understand that coming from someone that have worked so hard only to still struggle. I am not the only one and I understand areas of improvement personally and across the board. Hopefully you stand by me to understand that this is not about political divide but about civil unity across the world wide web. I write to right a wrong. But where I go from here is at the good grace of the law of the land and bringing those that wished to do wrong justice and those that stood by doing the right thing understand that we all have taken on a burden for something greater than ourselves.
If no action is taken, I will understand that I tried for humanistic principles. At the very least I clarified just one or two of my more contentious works of art. Mentally sound as I’ve spent the time to process what needed to be processed to ask the questions.
Where do we go from here?
This is definitely not where I intended to be.
Always room for improvement and so many more stories to tell.
Let’s Talk.
