Birthdays at Zero

3 years a struggle and I guess it is time to come clean more than I normally have been on the subject on why my birthday brings anxiety, but again one must take great pause before continuing. This month in particular has been building up to the fact that for 3 years now a great travesty occurred and people and corporations went about their lives thinking it was ok to do so without fixing the situation with the hurt parties in question. Has happened before, will happen again. There is always a choice on what you do to right that. Both internally and externally it starts with U. It ends or begins with Us.

Was it worth it?

Did you get what you wanted out of it?

I suppose I could talk about many things, but I feel honestly like as I try to type things are read instinctively. To work at that speed constantly is to understand official capacity and the amount of damage done and involvement across the board. To go to the levels taken is to understand probably what was and is on some people’s mind or perhaps my own.

How far is this going to go?

Is it over?

Will it stop and people start to play nice with one another or are we going to have a kumbaya moment?

Working with what’s available to speak; there are places to look. Then there are things stolen from me. Pre-emptive I guess to try to contain what could have been contained in a civilized manner with behavior that you would expect from not just one another. Integrity is very important. Survival is as well. We work with what we have and sometimes we are afforded opportunities and other times we are denied them. It takes a village to make a community and that goes with understanding the value of people and the contributions put into creating a basis of structure and idealism of what we want or what we think we want in life.

Like many people, we are broken to be made again. Some people have never had a day of struggle in their life. Others have struggled their entire lives. Some make it and some do not. Always a moment of pause as I proceed silently speaking.

The silence is the contention. Just because I don’t always open my mouth to say what is on my mind, does not mean that I have not processed, witnessed, examined, contemplated with the understanding that even I sometimes lack imagination of what is and is not capable of being done. I am always learning as we all should be. Never discount is a good way to approach moving forward.

As I’ve rebooted the last 3 years I understand the difficulties faced. I understand the ripple effect of many rocks thrown into bodies of water. I have never really understand why it only took one week in my last home to my name before things hit the fan. I suppose it has taken this long for the dust to finally start to settle before it gets picked up again.

I’ve spent the last couple years trying to get back to a sense of place. A sense of purpose somewhere in there to always try to do right as I write and produce work and try to maintain a life. When one crashes down, eventually you have to find a way to get up again. Mentally I’ve processed a great deal and to take on the amount of moments and variables takes time. Can’t be a super machine every day to fight against an army of incomes, motives and variables.

As I am now just a little bit older, I am reminded of what I have focused on and what I have not as I’ve paved ways and tried to be the best I could at times for others while being quite fallible in other areas.

I’m not perfect.

My body is not what it was and definitely not where I want it to be. I’m trying to go back to the gym and pick myself up with the help of some friends. Goals to be had that I am sure as other things can be put to rest can move in the right direction towards obtaining. Change things here. Change things there. Always change to be had when you look at yourself in the mirror as well as when others look at you as well. To define beauty is to understand what is within is going to be the most important. The outside a transitional counterpart to the thing inside you that does not have a form or maybe a form that unique to you and you alone.

There is a social conversation that can be had on idealization and what is socially considered an aspiration. There tends to be a discount to those that do not fit something that is either fabricated or built off of repetition of image over image until it becomes an issue on what is and is not desired. That leads to level of inadequacy and in some less desirable. Truth is we are all to be desired and one cannot say they do not have flaws if even they maintain a perfect image on the outside. Has my experience in the past caused me to say that physically appearance can always be changed with work and time. Its that inside that needs to be dealt with first and foremost.

As I continually try to evolve my life back to where it needs to be, it is always important to understand what came before and where you want to go. Trials and tribulations always lead to new perspectives and understanding. The last several weeks I’ve been very reflective of what has happened not knowing what will happen. I figured it was time to transform one of my personas to mean something different than where it was birthed. Everything about it open for interpretation, but always a secret.

From Zero we build back up.

Tu Amada

Eye of the Beholder

We take things for granted.

We discount.

We judge.

Prejudice to some. Preference to others.

We love what we love and I have loved so much in my life. No one image a unified answer.

Love transforms and the first rule for any photographer or artist is to love your subjectry. That rule can easily be broken as well if you are looking to showcase the opposite of that emotion in your work. You have to find a personal connection and in it a personal reflection to your self if you are going to showcase it as being something that is forever going to be a part of you.

Forever…such a vague term for me these days. Nothing is had forever. Memories fade. Time fades. Things lost. Things stolen. Everything can be lost. Things could be perceived given in full when in fact you either get 20% of the picture or 2% of the overall connection. 67% would agree on that. 3 years here. 3 years there. If I have learned anything in life it is that we are not given everything forever. Sometimes all we have is the memories or the pictures we take along the way.

I look at this picture well aware of what I saw when I took it. I am well aware of what I wrote when I published it on social media. I am well aware that my desire to write the last couple years in particular do not supersede the fact I’ve written since I was a child. I am a writer even in my own form of language. It is me and imperfect as it is my voice if you are only able to decipher and find the cadence in it.

I have been surrounded by art my entire life. Art is what defines us. It is in the books we read, the pictures we view and even the reflection you see in the mirror when you are brave enough to look at your self knowing it is only one perspective and never the universal or true one. Our selves our defined by how we perceive ourselves, but also how others have perceived us as well. To understand someone is always watching or always projecting is to understand you can play with that to guard yourself or prove a point. Our history is defined by artists and I think that is why I put my footprint between the cracks to harken back to years before identity found and identity stolen once again. Never a question anymore of “Who are U? at this point but more so a question of, “Now what?” considering I am not in control of the situations at hand. Frustration for sure, but to be expected considering. I imagine at this point even this post could be modified and it would or would not be my intention thereafter. I at least have the first submit. I suppose that is where I have ended up. Futility that others are going to write their story and I can only do my best to write mine here and there and maybe if someone was interested would discover the truth.

I have tried to proceed with my life the last 3 years as I have in years prior. Ups…downs…every direction. Somethings shared. Somethings not. Pretty much an open book at this point even if I didn’t have a choice. Perhaps it was supposed to be that way. Perhaps understanding judgement is to call yourself “fat Amy” before any of those twig bitches do it. Discountment is easy. Standing tall is hard. Looking up is hard. Knowing that others pass judgement the minute they see you is a hard thing to overcome. Maybe that is why even today I struggled to even pick out a single outfit for myself knowing I wanted to have something new all around and at the same time had no idea where to go or what to do. I present myself with jeans and grey because that is all I am at the moment. I’ve wanted so much and I’ve experienced first hand that ripped apart and even what I did accomplish and did make has been stolen never to be retrieved again by me in a singular fashion. Even the book I wanted to give my unborn nephew was taken away and it is not in my hands to seek out that person. All I can do is request another copy and even then it would not be the original that was sent to a different address vs. the tracking number and address provided.

I’ve written a great deal the last 3 years. Mostly private and mostly to those that I thought would prevent the things that happened from happening. People banked on my suicide. People banked on commandeering something that never should have been taken away. For what? Contract work? Redemption of business decisions? Lessons thought to be taught when years past and dark ages in between? Always would have worked with people and always would have done greater good. That is a given. To try to attempt suicide again at this point is futile because I rather see that particular bullshit playout in it’s entirety knowing very well I have already become a casualty. I just don’t want to see you think you won that one.

What I have done has not entirely been known yet at this point. Some know. Others do not. Trust me that at least I believe it was for things greater than myself and if to go in any direction please understand that there is a transition of thinking that happens after one does try to kill themselves 3 years ago and then reach for help when they decided they wanted to not give up anymore.

I look at this picture as representing more than what I have at this moment. A snapshot of what I could do but the meaning behind it more universal in it’s approach. Not perfect as someone can always do better, but I found myself not really wanting to change much from the original to the final. Just that act alone makes me realize that I see what I see and I know what I am channeling when I share things. My eye and process I guess uniquely me. Imagine all your RAW images taken away and realize the fact that every single one of those was a past life revisited at a later date that I’ll never get back knowing it was willfully taken. My Jewish Holocaust metaphors are not to be forgotten on that one.

I imagine people probably joined in on the game knowing that things could be taken advantage of. Some I understand for the side of good. Others for the side of something else. In my head the past and present play out not knowing my future. To attack my privacy is to realize that where my privacy was attacked before affects everyone and anyone. That is a scary thing to admit and to come to a realization about. Had I been approached in any way, shape or form of that in meaning, I probably would have reacted differently, but the truth is people wanted me dead and set plans in motion thinking that happened or would happen imminently. I’ve joined the boat and set my own course. Judged either way.

Enough about me.

This image…

I’m reflective in my life, but this is a moment shared. This was intimacy and this was something given and approved to be shared. Photography is that. Art is that. Collaboration and thinking outside the box. For me my art is personal because my models are my friends. They are my family. They are those discounted and they are those stronger than I will ever be to venture into areas of imperfection that I tried to give 23 times over. I respect my connections and I respect that in my means I’ve tried every way possible to find empathy as not a negative term but a term that invokes all emotion.

My head at the moment filled with past, present and somewhat of a future. I struggle to just try to be an equal and at the good graces of others to even have a place to rest my head knowing both have been invaded at this point. To stay on this soil is one thing. That belief system a challenge to what can be proven as already acted on. Digital platform is something else. I try to stand tall knowing I’m at the good graces of many people understanding.

I’ve had many loves in my life as much as I am sure each and everyone who reads this has had as well. Guy. Girl. It doesn’t matter. Friendship. Physical. Sexual. Whatever it the connection, we are making a connection just by reading this statement. Sexuality is a very private thing and something that is only experienced between those that it is expressed in. The rest is up to what you are given to work with. If sex isn’t involved then maybe that was none of your business and maybe sex is not what defines a person anyways. We are defined by our interactions. That shattered mirror will never be everything. Only something.

I’m well aware people can continue to try to steer my life in any direction at this point. I’ve done nothing but give my all and try to love. I know I absolutely have it in me to strike down as well. That is up to the court of law but I question that at this point when the biggest companies of the world are involved. That is something that should not be misconstrued. Everything I ever loved has been attacked and even that I realized it goes beyond me. This picture in particular proof that someone tried to live their life and if this picture claimed anywhere else it is proof of bullshit.

I am a willing participant but you have to understand false sense of godliness. Harmony in the room with me. You know. I know. We know. The platform is open. You have already acted on things. How do you chose to write this from here?

#trytoreedit

A Paradise Revisited.

We do not know the struggles others go through to come to their own conclusions. As we go through life we are met with both hurt and love. To contemplate which one holds more value is up to the beholder on which one you wish to focus on. Was it love or was it hurt that defined you?

I’m aware of my corporate life. I’m aware of my personal life. To create a series and call it a Divine Comedy is to approach it from a psychological standpoint and I think that is universal that all sectors are able to be achieved. My Wonderland has always been my Heroes + Villains. Both a place of acceptance and a place of respect in individuality. Portraits of them. Portraits of me. Portraits of commonality. They all exist. I think of three years ago and I dare you to try being in a room knowing you are going to be fired in a week and listening to those threats. Try being in a room where your phone call to a lawyer is transcribed. Try being in a new sense of place where your entire past is ripped apart not really knowing what occurred prior before judgement. That 60 day on-boarding process costed me much protecting those I love. What they did is anything but pure.

Yes…I look in the mirror. I look into it often. Have done so since a little child and documented at the age of 3. As an adult, I hold things back knowing very well what occurred and all I can be is sympathetic that you thought you could get away with it.

A forest protected in black ice.

A forest protected in secret.

What is to become of the forest I am a guest to now?

Love and fear.

Action/Inaction.

If only someone sat me down prior.

Perhaps this is what was supposed to be the case.

I look at this portrait. I set it up and my mother took the picture. She designed the post and chose where things were to go. We can go here and we can go there. We can go anywhere the imagination takes us. I’ve done that for 10 years now knowing that escapism helps you grow into who you are supposed to be. We do not always know the answers and most of the time they come after the fact. Always a hindsight moment to be had. In this image I am wearing a hoodie now very special to me as I re-entered into this world after-the-fact. A moment of vulnerability and a moment of reality collided. When parameters shift one must understand that we reboot with what is most important to us and build from there. I was always an Alice. I was always looking for a white rabbit. I was always trying to find my way. That is not to be argued.

Where I am at now is cut off at the knees. My life is in your hands. My suicide off the table as I have already experienced that. The question remains on what is off-limits for me to talk about? Vulnerability brings strength and if broken down, I’ll still have a voice.

One day I’ll have another picture from my father and maybe look at how he sees me now. This moment was special and my mother has never been a part of this process prior except under my lens. I’m honored to be remembered by my parents and I hope I did them proud. So many adoptive family members to be had, but with this pic in particular is to try to understand what paradise is after you lost everything. Family matters. Parents matter. Regardless of biological or emotional. I could have died without my parents.

I look at this picture as a new artist’s preferred portrait. My mother saw more than anyone ever will and knows the struggles had. As I try to choose my journey it was important to me to understand that the hopes and dreams we give our children is all that matter. I probably never need a more perfect Wizard of Oz picture than this one to conclude a chapter. Thank you for letting me find a home when I have none of my own. Thank you for being stronger than I ever could be.

Love you. XOXO